My son and I got in a fight this past week. It was the traditional “I’m growing up and want to be myself” argument: I don’t want to be oppressed by you and your rules. You don’t love and accept me for who I am.
What my son doesn’t understand is that I did the same thing when I was young. My parents even took me to a therapist, who simply told them that I did not share their morals and values. Trust me, my dad was not happy with that answer.
Having lived a life outside the gospel, having had the spiritual experiences I have had, and having almost lost my soul, I want more for my child. But given his autism, ADHD, and other issues, I realize I have little to no control over who he is or who he will become. I have felt that slipping out of my hands for some time now.
I realize he will never be what the world would consider perfect, nor do I expect perfection from him. We just aren’t in a place where we can communicate that to each other and have him understand.
I need to find some middle ground where we can meet.
I was surprised to see this past summer that my uncle, who is very LDS (not LSD), and my cousin, also very LDS and a returned missionary, went to see The Dead and Co. Now me, having been a hippy… The Dead are a trigger. I had a long, strange trip at a Grateful Dead show at the Oakland Coliseum back in the early ’90s with Jerry Garcia. Come to find out, they go once a year to see a show by The Dead and Co. I had no idea, but it has been a father-and-son tradition for them.
Maybe I need to consider something like this with my son.
I want my son to know the path to true happiness, should he choose to take it. In the meantime, I want him to know I accept him and love him with all his flaws. And I hope he will accept and love me as his father, even with all my flaws. I have many myself.
I was scrolling through my phone tonight and came across the song Perfect by Simple Plan. As I listened to it, the song reminded me of my turbulent youth and how it mirrors what my son is going through today.
Perfect by Simple Plan
Hey, dad, look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
[Pre-Chorus]
And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
Can’t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
[Verse 2]
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore
[Pre-Chorus]
And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’s alright
[Chorus]
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be perfect