Well, where do I start?
I realize I haven’t written in a long time. It’s almost as though I fell off the face of the earth. I stopped posting YouTube videos. I stopped posting on Worthy of Zion. But why?
There have been a number of constraints in my life.
- First, the mental health of my son. We’ve had good weeks and bad weeks. Some weeks, every extra minute was consumed dealing with him being triggered. There have been numerous instances of him running away, another trip to the ER, and a week and a half inpatient stay. We tried to set up residential treatment, but we weren’t able to coordinate it. We’re just trying to navigate things. I’ve had to learn so much patience. I’m not sure what it is, but he seems to know everything that triggers me. He gets hyper-fixated on things and can’t let them go. If you don’t resolve it, he will pepper you with requests and reminders for hours.
- For example, he decided he wanted a yo-yo. That was all we heard about for weeks. Then it switched to a tablet. Then his fixation became a video game — something with sword fighting, specifically something someone at ABA Therapy recommended. Just because someone at ABA Therapy recommended it doesn’t mean I’m going to buy it or let him buy it. I looked into it, and it had partial nudity and suggestive themes, so I didn’t want him to have it. But I stalled. I knew it was the weekend, and weekends are hard. We need to make it through Sunday without a major issue. He came down on me hard, repeatedly peppering me with questions about why he couldn’t have it and why I hadn’t decided yet. Finally, I said, “Look, the game has nudity in it. I don’t want you to have it.” Because I raised my voice — not yelled, but spoke firmly — it triggered him. For the next 3–4 hours, we were battling to keep him from running away. He kept saying we didn’t love him, that I hated him because I had spoken sharply.
- Work has also been overwhelming these last few months. I don’t think it’s wrong to say it’s been difficult, especially with the number of hours I’ve felt I needed to put in to get the job done. Sometimes those sacrifices need to be made. I also moved to a new building that needed work, and I’ve been training numerous staff.
- My phone has also been running out of space. I use an iPhone for all my recording, and it has limited storage. I’ve increased the amount of iCloud space I’ve purchased, but I seem to have no control over how items are pushed to or pulled from it.
- My computer has had issues too, including a C drive that ran out of space. I’ve needed to back up my computer, then restore it to factory settings and start over. Hopefully, after that, things will work a bit better.
- My health has also been a factor. I caught a cold back in February or March, and the cough didn’t go away until the end of June. It was keeping me up most nights, and I was going to work exhausted almost every day. It was no bueno. I think I went to InstaCare three times. I believe it all started with allergies and sinus drainage, so now I’m on a daily allergy pill.
- The last thing is TikTok. I started posting there and have had some success with it. I was previously very anti-TikTok but have actually had a very positive experience this time. In the past, I just consumed whatever it showed me, I was appalled by what would pop up. This time, I started fresh — searching for, liking, following, and posting only LDS content. I’ve had a few things slip through, but 99.9% of what I’ve seen has been positive: no profanity, no suggestive content, no disturbing material. I’ve really enjoyed it. It still requires a lot of discipline not to sit and scroll endlessly, but I enjoy the creative outlet. Once I get my computer issues sorted out, I hope I can be even more creative.
Anyway, I’m sure there’s more than that.
TikTok has been interesting. The level of hostility toward members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is pretty intense. I’ve been on YouTube for a while and follow many YouTubers, but I haven’t seen the same level of hostility there. On TikTok, people come at you quickly, and I’ve found myself engaging in many doctrinal discussions. On YouTube and WorthyofZion.com, I rarely get comments.
Some of this has been very stimulating. I don’t like arguing or contention, but it’s caused me to dive into the scriptures and reinforce my knowledge and testimony. It’s been kind of fun.
Now, one of the things that’s hard: I see so many Latter-day Saints who remind me of the five foolish virgins — Saints with weak testimonies. Your testimony is not a consensus of what your followers think. Nor are you required to validate their thoughts on your religion, apologize, or espouse what your followers tell you that you should believe. You are not obligated to validate them in any way. Saints are finding ways to circumvent commandments and covenants. It’s actually quite sad. Some seem to brag about their alternative interpretations, or the things they no longer agree with, or the rules they casually break. There’s so much of it. I think LDS women have won the garments and modesty argument — it’s whatever they feel good about. I know they are cute, but there are a lot of dresses that need to be a foot longer, not inches longer. Then there are those who come across as, “look what I got away with,” rather than being humbly and grateful for any exception that was made for them. Some of it pushes historical norms and you can always tell when it does, because numerous ExMos will praise them and the Church for being “so progressive,” as though it’s about time.
I defiled my temple once upon a time. I’ve spoken about it freely — maybe too freely. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been boastful about what I’ve done or what I know. It kills me inside when I do that or feel as though I’ve done that. No good comes from it. How can I be worthy of a blessing if I boast about my past iniquity? And then I see others boast about their sins on TikTok. I guess I shouldn’t say anything if I’ve been guilty of the same. Anyway, I can do better.
Lastly, about TikTok — I painted a bleak picture earlier. However, there are so many faithful members of the Church. I’ve been deeply impressed with the faith, virtue, and testimonies so many people have. There is so much to shout “Hurrah for Israel!” about. There are so many who are a light on the hill.
I guess we’ll see if any of that TikTok criticism gets me in trouble.
Hopefully, I’ll be back into a routine soon.