NOTE — This was not my best side. I was a little embarrassed reading this. I was a punk during the last month of my mission. At this point, I had about three weeks remaining. I was under the leadership of my greenie — someone I had a serious conflict with earlier in my mission. I’m sad to read that I acted so poorly.
I know what it was: pride. Some of it came from being in utter disbelief at some of his actions. Our conflict was so strong that we couldn’t even teach people. I remember walking laps around the perimeter of our area instead. We walked so much that I still remember seeing his feet one night — bloody sores where the skin had blistered and peeled off. I felt bad. He never complained once. I never acknowledged that I noticed.
I wouldn’t let him take control. His next companion did. I remember during his second month, while in the same zone, he made himself the liaison between the missionaries and the branch. He set it up so that we couldn’t baptize unless it went through him — even though he was just a second-month missionary, not a district leader, not a zone leader. He made his companion sit at the church while he typed up programs to tell the branch president how to run the branch better. I was so grateful to have had space from him for the majority of my mission. Now, though, he was my zone leader.
I think I was jealous that I didn’t have the same level of knowledge. I think I was jealous that I didn’t have the same leadership skills. He was a natural leader; I was not. He hadn’t wasted his life on drugs and riotous living as I had. He had a degree in psychology before entering the mission field. I have always been slow to learn and had a lot of catching up to do.
I could have been a much better person and a much better example. I am still learning to strip myself of pride.
June 28, 1997, Friday
We had a Zone Meeting today. Nice. I can’t believe [Elder]. All the things he does. It’s a good thing I’m not a ZL or we wouldn’t do them. Choir practice. Activities every day. […]. Every meeting. Be to bed at 10:30 on the dot and wake up at 6:30 sharp. 2-3 DA’s a day. Oh well, but the streets are nice. Nice, we went and saw Toni and Mariana. They’re doing good.
June 29, 1997, Saturday
Wow, I blew up today and put [on] Shakira to wake up and bug [Elder]. [He said] You can’t listen to that till P-Day, so I was a little pissed. [So] I put in Enya. Then a [Greeny] pulled me in and told me he refused to listen to this while he was studying. I will only listen to “Greater than Us All.” I’m like Yes, Sir. I’m sorry I offended you sir. Then I was pissed. OK, so I’m the bad guy, and all people are coming against my Spanish music. It is approved, so is the other. Pissed very pissed. […] I don’t even want to talk to anyone. Then at a street meeting, my companion wanted a photo taken, and [Elder] made him promise he wouldn’t listen to any of the music again. What?
Screw you [Elder]. What now? I’m getting it back for when he was a greeny because then he couldn’t control me then? Now he can, he’s my ZL. Forget that. He needs to control all things. […] I’m going to be ready to go soon. […] How am I going to make it through this? Who cares.
I saw David and Maria today. They’re doing so good. They want me to go to the temple with them bad. Here or Mexico, no importa. He’s [said], good luck looking for more victims [finding people to baptize]. Ya, he’s so cool. I love em.
June 30, 1997, Sunday
Well, we had 3 baptisms today. Nice. The 3 kids I tried to baptize last time I was here. Rolman’s niece and nephews. So they’ve been going to church for almost a year and hadn’t been baptized, but they are now. They are kinda funny […], I don’t know it was. weird. Everyone was crying for them. I’m all dang, why are so many people crying for a few kids? OK. But also Josefina got baptized in my old area. “La Dominicana!” I wish I could have seen that one.
June 31, 1997, Monday. Well, it’s my], last month. The downhill stretch. We had a leaders’ meeting today. It was nice and short and sweet. Our new president talked. He ushered out President Bailey, then [ushered himself in] President Croft. With much power. But very elegantly. The guy pulled the [?]. Then we had a [?] in Flushing. Because [Elder] had to go see a convert, well. So we wasted the whole day in Flushing, Queens. Yippee Yippee Joy Joy.