Where do I begin?
- My blog has suffered.
- My YouTube channel has suffered.
- I’ve hit a block.
- I’m embarrassed to cover some topics.
- I feel like I lack originality.
- I feel like my thoughts are shallow or lacking depth.
- I feel that the topics I should cover are too personal.
- My family has suffered.
- This week has been an emotional rollercoaster with my son.
- Work has stressed me out more than Christmas.
- I’ve struggled with reading, praying, and fasting.
I recorded a YouTube video the other day. I’ve started a series of posts called VLOG posts where I talk about whatever’s on my mind. During one of these, I started talking about some of the mental health challenges we’re facing with my son, and it just came out. As I shared it, I felt embarrassed. I felt like I was revealing too much—things that were too personal. I worried people would mock me for being emotional about it. Where do I even begin?
I’ve asked a few people, “What do you do when you feel like you’ve lost all power and control?” I have a son who wants to drop out of school, who needs psychiatric help but is so big and can get so angry that I feel powerless to do anything. It is an endless cycle of hospitalization and medications. I’m at a loss. I wanted so much for him. At one point, I thought, “You know what? Just get a GED. That’s all you need. That will help you for your whole life.” But now, I don’t even care if he takes basket-weaving classes in High School until he’s 18 and no degree, as long as he’s learning a skill. The goal isn’t graduation anymore—it’s to have him live and get him out of the house learning anything. It’s not that I don’t want more for him; it’s just that I’ve realized I have no control over him anymore.
I’ve been so burdened at work that it’s spilled into my home life. Normally, I work from home after hours. But when I say work, I don’t just mean spreadsheets—I mean I bring the struggles, frustrations, and everything else home with me. I can feel the stress aging me. I’m still not over it. Tonight, I ran into a major roadblock at work and spent four hours staring at it, unable to step away—until I finally broke free and started writing this blog post. I’m sure no one else has ever felt that kind of pressure before.
I haven’t slept well all week.
D&C 122:7
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
I believe that when we are in the midst of our deepest trials, we need to look to God. We need to be patient and long-suffering. We need to be humble and turn to Him. And in the end, these experiences will be for our good.