I was casually scrolling through Facebook tonight when a post came up for someone I had not seen in a long time. It was an old college acquaintance from the UVU Institute of Religion. I was curious about what he was selling so I read the brief snippet. The paragraph talked of his friend taking his own life and my heart sank. I know his friend.
I never spent a ton of time with Jerry, but I knew him and considered him a friend. We knew each other from UVU and he was in our ward for a brief time. We lived in the same neighborhood for years. I had the opportunity to interact with him occasionally. I knew him to be a good man, as well as a loving father and husband.
If this was the complete story it would be sad enough. My heart is broken when things like this happen. But, there was a deeper ache this time. I had committed an offense against Jerry many years ago and I had hidden it, never correcting my wrong. This experience lingered in my mind after reading about his suicide, so I am going to share it.
One night almost 20 years ago late in the evening, I was first in line sitting at a red light ready to go straight. The road had a turning lane in each direction and a single lane going straight through the intersection. The light turned green and I started driving straight through the intersection. When I was halfway through the intersection, out of nowhere some crazy guy came blasting through the intersection in the right turn lane, then cut me off attempting to drive straight. It was incredibly reckless.
Needless to say, I was upset and I was going to let him know it. I started flashing my lights at him and honking. I also started following him closely. [NOTE: I know this is road rage. I never should have done this.] It didn’t take long for me to realize I had done wrong. I don’t recall exactly when I backed off. But there came a point when I knew the more I followed him, the worse it was going to get.
I didn’t know at the time that it was Jerry who had cut me off and I had just road-raged him. Even after backing off a bit, we ended up turning down the same street and driving into the same neighborhood because we were unknowingly neighbors. We lived less than a block from each other. The closer I got to my home the more I started to panic. The more we traveled in the same direction it felt as though I was continuing to harass him.
As the paranoia set it, I decided to change course. I turned down a side street. I tried to do a loop down another. I attempted to disappear so he wouldn’t know who I was or where I lived. As I fled, I caught a glimpse of him trying to follow me to see who had been harassing him. Eventually, I felt I lost him and I had not been discovered. After some time had passed, I circled back home and quickly parked in the garage.
A day or two later I realized when I saw the car again that it was Jerry’s car. It was Jerry who had done that. Jerry was clearly in the wrong. But, I do not feel his wrong justified my wrong. Honking and flashing him was appropriate. But as soon as I started tailgating him flashing and honking at him excessively, I was in the wrong. I have never felt justified in my actions. Instead, I have always felt deeply embarrassed that I did not control my emotions. So much so, that I never wanted him to know it was me following him that night.
I know I can’t apologize in person now, but I am sorry for my actions Jerry. I pray you will forgive me. I also pray that your wife and children will be safe and protected in your absence.
NOTE: I know this story was kind of personal and a reflection of my occasional stupidity. I really shouldn’t share things like this but it is a life experience of mine. If I truly desire to be worthy to enter Zion, I do believe there needs to be a level of honesty I need to have… even if it is ugly.