Some more mission memories. Joy. Looks like I was fighting a few personal demons. The funny thing is, I’ve faced these demons over and over again. Even 30 years later at unexpected times, they show their face again and again.
May 1, 1996
I was thinking back to the day that I was told I was going to be a trainer and looked it up in my journal and saw nothing so I thought I would write about it. It started with a phone call from President Bailey. He wanted to speak to me. I got on the phone, and he said I want you to answer in Yes or No answers. I said OK. [He wanted to ask about the other elders I was living with. He wanted to know their level of obedience. But he already knew or he wouldn’t have asked. I’m not going to discuss it here though. But it didn’t go well.] In that phone call President Bailey told me I was training and he was expecting a good job out of me. I said OK. Yes, sir, I’ll do it…
May 3, 1996
Wow, yesterday was like hell. The night before my comp decided it was best to give constructive criticism oh boy. He said, you did this wrong and that and you made a joke in the middle of my testimony. I didn’t know it was a testimony. I thought he was just arguing. He does tend to go off once in a while. Anyhow I didn’t like it. He knows that. We didn’t get along too well yesterday because of it. Oh well, I’m trying to do my best, it’s just so difficult. [I’ll leave the rest of that out]
Wow, my mind has been so caught up on my past this morning. The parables I’m reading in Jesus the Christ are reminding me of things in my life; situations, feelings, and choices. The problem is that when this happens not to dwell on them. They are so hard to get rid of. I’ve decided that a guardian angel pushed me out of the way that I didn’t go into the bathroom that night at the rave. If I would have, I would be a very different person now, or dead. My soul was troubled enough that when the wind storm came through and I felt and followed the whisper of the spirit. I knew I had to change. Now I find myself 2 years later still burdened with the effects of my old life. The knowledge of what I knew then, the way I lived then, was because I was not following the commandments of God.
Look at me I’m far less than all others. I don’t even deserve to live with God again. I know not why he in his mercy wanted me. But he did. Why can I not just fulfill my offices with honor before Him? I can’t let hatred enter my heart against another. I’m the one who fled from God’s side, I’m also the one who is grateful for his mercy, and the one who will decide if I’ll allow myself to return to Him.
Follow Mike, listen, do what you need to. Don’t let anger destroy the blessings you’ve fought so hard to regain. Envy Lust and Pride will destroy all you’ve fought for. God loves you. You know he does. Don’t dwell on iniquity. It lieth to your soul. It doesn’t want you to return. Be careful and love God and his commandments.